The Car

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It’s almost comical the nearly global belief that kids fall asleep in cars. I’m here to tell you they don’t.

My oldest, bless him, singlehandedly broke this beloved belief. He is a case study. He’s now in baby psychology textbooks as an emerging trend. He’s defined a new niche of parent PTSD treatment. He’s a full page in car seat company design handbooks titled “Even 800$ seats don’t always work”. Kidding. But not really.

My beautiful son fell asleep ONCE in the car. If that. Ever. Once. In almost four years. He was an infant when it happened. And it was probably an anomaly. The result of a poor night’s sleep. Maybe a touch of sickness. Something that made him overtired or another confluence of planets and unlikely events that somehow manifested as a single node of child sleep in our galaxy.

Since then, he has not slept in the car. Not once.

Not a tiny nod-off. Not a little micro snooze. Not even an eyes half closed inkling of fatigue. Not once. In almost four years. Not kidding. Though to be fair I can’t totally remember. You know, because of the memory loss. All he does, the closest he comes, the nearest planetary system to sleep he comes within range of, is acting a little more quiet than usual. He’ll gaze out the window. He’ll suck his thumb. He won’t mention every construction vehicle he sees. He won’t ask as many Whys. That’s it. Don’t get me wrong. I’ll take quiet. Any day. Even sort of quiet. Even more quiet than usual. But don’t mistake this for PEACE and quiet. And be sure to not mistake it for sleep. In nearly 4 years as of this writing.

The car made him furious. And miserable. And sad. What kind of kid doesn’t like the car? Every single person I’ve ever talked to about it asked me this same question. “What? All kids love the car.”

“No, Brian, they fucking don’t all love the car.” “Really? Have you tried putting on soft music?” “Fuck you Brian.

Maybe the car made him stressed. Maybe it made him scared. Maybe he didn’t like the noise. Maybe he didn’t like the motion. Whatever it was, he would wail as soon as the car started moving. Wail. Not cry. Not quietly whimper. Wail. Wail like wild screaming banshee wailing.

Some days we’d get him into his seat ok, with not too too much resistance, and I’d think “Hey, maybe today is the day!” But it wasn’t. It wasn’t ever the day. The only difference from car ride to car ride would be exactly at which point he would start to wail for the entire…duration…of the car ride. Entire. Duration. Long. Or short. Until we pulled back into the driveway. Would it be right away? Would it be at the first stop sign? Would it be two streets away? We once made it to a streetlight 3 blocks away without incident. My wife and I looked at each other. Slowly. Like in a commercial. Our silent eyes said “What? Wait. What’s happening? No noise? Could…I mean…come on…like could it…no, come on, don’t jinx it…like, could this be the…” WAIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.

Fuck. That was the best we got.

And it was like this every drive. Every one. Going anywhere. For anything. To get groceries. Aimless Covid driving. Getting a coffee. Getting take out. Getting drive through. Doing to Doctor appointments. Trying to kill time. It was constant. We had an expensive car seat. We got the add-on microgel insert that “cooled and added comfort”. I tried different angles for the back tilt. Maybe that was it? Maybe the straps were too tight. Maybe he was too hot? No solution or effort made any difference. And there was (I haven’t checked to see if this has changed) very little to almost nothing of value on the vast internet that was remotely helpful.

There were some articles about it. The intro would sound legit. I’d feel a tick of hope. Someone else has had this problem. It might be okay. “Babies you see, they don’t like facing backward. They like being able to see their parents. And they don’t like it when they’re not being held.”

Well, yep, okay, sure, some of that seems to make sense. But enough to induce wailing? Constant wailing? Incessant, everyday wailing? But it got quickly worse as I read on to the suggestions: a) make sure the car seat is comfortable, b) make sure they aren’t too hot or cold, c) play soothing music, d) get a mirror that allows them to see you, e) have you tried toys?, f) bring the seat inside and use it as a chair so they get used to it, and g) if your kid has gas or reflux, make sure car rides aren’t too long so they don’t get extra fussy. To which I can confidently say, is a list of rookie, amateur night, junior varsity bullshit. These are first timer google results. These are people with no kids google results. These are points written by a twenty-something who has no kids. These are points written by a content writer hired to churn out posts for parent blogs. These are points written by a content writer hired to churn out posts for parent blogs that have not researched the topic to see what bullshit google results already exist. They are completely lacking in remotely realistic options for anyone who’s a) tried all of the above (and more), and b) had a very, very hard time.

The ONLY thing that worked in any measure for us was if I held his hand while I drove. Or if my wife sat in the backseat next to him. My arm would go numb holding his hand. The angle, the duration, it was partly cute, partly painful. And when I took it back to prevent losing all feeling and risking dislocation, he would instantly wail. Again. I wouldn’t even have enough time to let the pins and needles subside. I’d have to throw it back there to keep him quiet. But even still, it didn’t work enough or consistently enough to be a viable solution. Sometimes he’d push it away. Others it just didn’t do anything and the wailing would continue.

When he was 3 we got him a forward facing seat. It’s been the biggest, most immediate and impactful improvement we’ve seen. Which is saying something. He’ll still complain and moan and whine and scream and cry and resist going into the car and hit his brother and do the opposite of what we ask while looking at us in the eyes as he does it, over and over, but it’s better. It’s better in that it isn’t indiscriminate and relentless wailing. It might be discriminate and periodic wailing. But not indiscriminate. There’s a big difference. But that’s still 3 years of wailing in the car.

This might not be your experience. I sincerely hope it isn’t and won’t be. But if it is, I’ve been there. I might be the only other one. Brian thinks so. And sadly, if the google results don’t help by then (they won’t), I don’t have a lot for you save for take some time to stretch your shoulder out, and get a forward facing seat as soon as fucking possible.